Over and Over
by Kedda
Summary: Just a scene that I think that needs to take place between Addison and Derek. But I set it after the last episode, when they are both sitting alone in the trailer. Not Addek or Merder.


So I wrote this. And I know that I should have been writing the other. But instead I wrote this. Personally I like it. And I named it "Over and Over" by Nelly and Tim McGraw. Not a combo I usually listen to, together or separately, but I was sitting in class listening to the proff drone on about Mrs. Joe in _Great Expectations _and it occurred to me that the lyrics fit that general situation pretty well.

So when you are reading, just imagine that the majority of the things that are said are not being said so much as being screamed and yelled at the top of Addison and Derek's lungs.

XXXXXXXXXX

Derek lay on the bed. He had been reading, reading in the sense that there was a book lying across his chest. He had no idea what the book even was.

He was thinking. He was thinking of everything and nothing. He was thinking about his marriage. He was thinking about Mark. He was thinking about Addison. He was thinking about Mark and Addison.

He was thinking about Meredith. He was thinking about him and Meredith. He was thinking about him and Addison. But mostly he was trying not to think at all.

He had been laying like this, thinking, when she had walked in the door. She hadn't looked at him and she hadn't spoken to him. And he was grateful. He didn't want to look or speak to her either.

Addison had walked in the door and immediately locked herself in the bathroom. She was numb. Her thoughts muddled beyond comprehension. She stepped into the confines of the shower. Showering until there was not a drop of hot water left. Then she stood under the frigid spray until her body registered the the fact that it was shivering.

When she finally left the complete safety of the bathroom, she went directly to the relative safety of the kitchen. Sitting on the counter was the bottle Derek had bought yesterday.

Scotch.

Single malt.

His favorite.

Mark's too.

How ironic.

The bottle was half empty. Addison closed her eyes for a minute, trying to talk herself out of what she knew would be a bad idea. But at this point she didn't really care.

She took out a coffee mug and poured herself half the remaining liquid. She took a gulp, tears springing to her eyes, and poured more in to the cup. She curled up in the corner by the kitchenette table. She wasn't going to cry. She was stronger then that, the tears in her eyes were there because of the scotch.

It was just the scotch.

Derek had seen her sit down out of the corner of his eye. He had also seen her pour a large amount of scotch into a coffee cup. And he knew that she couldn't hold her liquor.

But he didn't care.

He had drunk himself into a stupor 2 hours ago and was still reaping the hazy benefits. And his glass was still half full on the night stand. He just continued to stare at the wall.

Addison.

Meredith.

Addison.

Meredith.

Mark.

Addison.

Mark.

Addison.

Meredith.

Addison.

An hour passed. Neither inhabitant of the trailer moved a muscle except to take a drink. The dog paced nervously between the pair. Even he could sense the tension. Finally he settled on the couch where he could watch over them both.

By 3 am both had finished their drinks and poured themselves more. Addison finishing the bottle from the kitchen, and Derek starting the new bottle he had stashed under the bed when he got home from the hospital.

Derek had become increasingly aware of how many times Addison had lifted her cup on the other side of the wall.

He was glad that she was hurting.

He closed his eyes and considered giving in to the spinning darkness and sleeping. But a sudden noise stopped him.

Addison had left. She had gone outside. In February. In only a bathrobe. Derek closed his eyes again.

She could freeze if she wanted.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

Derek bolted straight up. What the hell?

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

Addison was yelling. No she was screaming. And she wasn't stopping.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

Derek lay back down. She could throw a tantrum if she wanted. He was beyond caring.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

Addison stared into the darkness. She just wanted everything out. All the hurt, all the pain.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

She didn't want to feel anymore. Drinking hadn't worked. But this was going to.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

She clenched her fists. She stomped her feet.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

She pressed her palms to her forehead as hard as she could. She shook out her hair.

"_AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"_

"ADDISON! WHAT THE _HELL_?" Derek yelled at her from the deck.

"WHAT THE HELL DEREK? WHAT THE HELL? _GODDAMNIT_ DEREK!"

"_You are DRUNK, standing in the middle of the yard, in the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! What the HELL is wrong with you_?"

"_YOUR_ WHAT'S WRONG _DEREK_. _YOUR WHAT'S WRONG_, _I'M_ WHAT'S WRONG, _MARK_ IS WHAT'S WRONG, _HELL EVEN MEREDITH_ IS WHAT'S _WRONG_!"

"_Keep her out of this_!" Derek seethed.

"_Why? SHE is just as big a part of this as Mark is. BIGGER!"_

"_SHE is not a part of this. YOU wanted me back and I broke it off with her. SHE IS NOT A PART OF THIS."_

"SO_ THAT'S_ WHY EVERY TIME I TURN AROUND YOU ARE WITH_ HER?"_

"_SHE _IS MY_ FRIEND. SHE _NEEDS_ ME."_

"_I NEED YOU! GOD DEREK! I thought that I could live without you. I really did. But I CAN'T. And I am HOPING that EVENTUALLY you will realize that YOU can't live without ME. Because I don't know how much LONGER I CAN WAIT!"_

"_You WAIT? You never WAITED for anything in your LIFE, ADDISON! You've had everything handed to you. HELL you couldn't even wait for me to GET HOME FROM WORK! You had an ITCH and you turned first guy you saw TO SCRATCH IT!" _Derek fumed.

"_Do you want to hear the whole story? DO YOU DEREK? Do you want to know EXACTLY what I was thinking. Do you think you can even HANDLE IT?_

"_YES ADDISON! I REALLY WANT TO KNOW. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT MADE YOU THINK THAT SLEEPING WITH MY BEST FRIEND WAS A GOOD IDEA! GOD ADDISON, WHY HIM? Did you really want to hurt me THAT much. You could have had anyone, ANYONE! Why would you pick the person that would hurt me the most. DID YOU REALLY HATE ME THAT MUCH? And what the hell made you THINK that we could EVER fix this? Why the HELL did you even come BACK?"_

"_He was my friend TOO DEREK! He was my BEST FRIEND. And for awhile he seemed like the ONLY FRIEND THAT I HAD. He wasn't to BUSY to have lunch with me, to do all those STUPID things that you didn't have TIME FOR. He made time for ME. And those things DO matter Derek. Don't lie to yourself, maybe if we had, GOD, eaten dinner at the same time ONCE A GODDAMN MONTH we wouldn't be where we are NOW. So when you were busy picking up extra work, Mark was taking me out to eat so I wouldn't STARVE TO DEATH, WAITING FOR YOU!"_

"_You slept with him to repay him for DINNER?"_

"_NO I SLEPT with him because I WASN'T SLEEPING WITH YOU! I MISSED you Derek. GOD I cannot even remember the last time that we made love. We didn't even see each other on our GODDAMN ANNIVERSARY. We were both working. And when I got off, you had decided to stay and sleep in the on-call room. I spent our anniversary at home ALONE. I was always ALONE, DEREK."_

"_God Addison. Do you even hear yourself? DO NOT try to tell me that you slept with him because you were lonely."_

Addison glared,_ "Well why did you sleep with her? Wasn't it because YOU were lonely?"_

"_I was drunk."_

"_Over me?"_

"_YES."_

"_IT'S THE SAME GODDAMN THING DEREK. IT IS THE EXACT SAME GODDAMN THING. MARK WAS AS CLOSE AS I COULD GET TO HAVING YOU. I TOOK WHAT I COULD GET RATHER THEN BE ALONE. WHICH IS WHY... " _Addison trailed off.

"_WHY WHAT ADDISON? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T HOLD BACK NOW. 'CAUSE HONESTLY YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOOSE!"_

"_I STAYED WITH HIM!" _she paused to catch her breath_,"You wanted to know EVERYTHING Derek. How long was I sleeping with Mark? 4 months. 4 MONTHS DEREK. 1 month before you left and 3 months after. That's RIGHT! I stayed with him. You left and came here FOUND YOUR LITTLE INTERN, and I STAYED WITH HIM."_

Derek seemed to vibrate from the core with rage_, "YOU ARE SUCH A BITCH ADDISON. GOD. I NEVER SAW YOU AS SUCH AS HEINOUS BITCH UNTIL THIS MOMENT. YOU STAY WITH HIM, THEN HAVE THE GAUL TO COME HERE AND ASK ME TO TAKE YOU BACK..."_

"_I NEVER CAME HERE FOR YOU!"_

"_WHAT!"_

"_I was only ever here for work. I thought that I would deliver the papers myself while I was here. I never came to get you back."_

"_Then WHAT are we doing?"_

"_I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU DEREK. Not for one single SECOND. But I thought that you could never forgive me for what I had done, so I was going to let you go. Let you have your fresh start. But when you agreed to help me with that case... _do you remember that case?"

Derek jaw was clenched, "Yes."

"You gave me hope Derek. When we were standing there and you said you would operate, you smiled at me Derek. And it was us again. I had to at least try. I couldn't just let you go_. I love you."_

Derek was silent, "If you loved me you wouldn't have stayed with him_. You would have followed me that night, we would be having this fight THEN, INSTEAD OF 8 GODDAMN MONTHS LATER."_

"_You don't think that I wanted too? I wanted to chase you down the street BEGGING you to forgive me. I wanted to tell you that I still loved you. BUT I COULDN'T. You had left me long before you walked into that bedroom. You had given up on us MONTHS before you flew to Seattle. So he was ALL I HAD. The only reason I was EVER with him was because he was the NEXT BEST THING to having YOU. I thought I had lost you for GOOD. I was not going to give up the closest thing I would ever have to having you again. So I stayed with him, and I gave up on you. I GAVE UP. BUT FROM THE SECOND THAT I THOUGHT THAT WE HAD A CHANCE, I NEVER FOR MINUTE CONSIDERED GOING BACK TO HIM. I am NOT going back to him, Derek. He crossed the goddamn country to bring me back. Did you know that? HE LOVES ME! HE WANTS ME BACK! But I am NEVER going back to him. I don't want to be with him. I NEVER wanted to be with him. I was NEVER IN LOVE WITH HIM, I loved him yes, but I was never in love with him. I WAS ONLY EVER IN LOVE WITH YOU."_

"_Then why the hell didn't you just tell me? 'Hey Derek, I'm not happy.' IT'S NOT REALLY THAT HARD, ADDISON."_

"_When would I have told you? I never saw you. I never talked to you. I know that is not an excuse, there is no excuse. _

"_That is THE FIRST sensible thing that you have said all NIGHT."_

"_AGH! I have poured my heart out to you Derek! I have told you everything. How can you still think that this is all my fault?"_

"_I am not the ONE THE SLEPT WITH MARK!"_

"_OH GOD! You know what Derek? You know WHAT? Maybe he was right. Maybe we are finished, maybe we are just to stubborn to admit it."_

"_We are working on it. GOD ADDISON! I SAID THAT I WOULD TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH YOU AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING!"_

"_Your not trying. I'm an obligation, REMEMBER? You don't even try to hide the fact that you love HER, especially not from me."_

"_I told you that was going to take TIME. I can't just get over her because I want to. GOD! JUST TRY TO BE A LITTLE BIT PATIENT."_

"_YOU GOT OVER ME FAST ENOUGH."_

"_DO I LOOK OVER YOU?"_

"But you don't love _me_ anymore. You fell in love with_ Meredith. IN 3 MONTHS YOU FELL COMPLETELY OUT FOR LOVE WITH ME AND IN LOVE WITH HER."_

"_Don't talk about HER."_

"_WHY? SHE'S THE REAL PROBLEM NOW ISN'T SHE? I AM FLATTERING MYSELF THINKING THAT THIS IS ABOUT ME. THIS IS ABOUT HER. THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT HER! AND I GET IT DEREK. YOU LOVE HER. SHE IS YOU SOUL MATE OR WHATEVER. I GET IT. I DON'T EVEN CARE."_

"_YOU DON'T CARE? Don't try to be the bigger person now. Your bargaining. Meredith can be my soul mate, but you get to stay the the love of my life? It doesn't work like that. You ARE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN STILL BE WITH YOU."_

"_Because you love Meredith now. You are staying with me out of obligation. RIGHT? You SWORE before GOD and a PRIEST and our FAMILIES that you would stay with me for better or worse, AND BY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO DO IT. But you also promised to love me until death do us part. And I know that I still love you. I never doubted it for a minute, but I doubt that you love me. Do you Derek? Do you love me at all? Even a little? Because if you don't, not at all, I am leaving. I don't want you to be with me and hating every minute of it. I can deal with you hating me sometimes, I can even live with you loving Meredith, as long as I know that you still are still in love with me and you honestly want this to work, I NEED TO KNOW THAT PART OF YOU IS STILL IN LOVE WITH ME!"_

Derek turned away from her so she took a few steps closer, slightly closing the 10 foot space between them.

"This is US we are talking about Derek. When did you forget that? Why can't you see it? It's us. It's you and me. Derek and Addison. Why can't I get that through to you? Why can't you remember?"

"_That's what I am trying to do. For the last 14 years I have dreamt of nothing else but growing old with you, Addison. Of being with you forever. But in one night, IN ONE NIGHT ADDISON, YOU DESTROYED THAT! AND I WANT IT BACK! I WANT THE WOMAN I MARRIED BACK! I WANT THE WOMAN I SPENT THE LAST 14 YEARS LOVING SO MUCH THAT I HAD TO CROSS THE DAMN COUNTRY TO GET AWAY FROM WHEN SHE BETRAYED ME. BECAUSE WHEN I LOOK AT YOU I DON'T SEE THAT WOMAN ANYMORE, ALL I SEE IS BETRAYAL!"_

"_THEN YOU ARE NOT LOOKING HARD ENOUGH! It's ME Derek. Do you see that? ME. ADDISON. YES, I CHEATED. YES, I MADE MISTAKES. BUT I AM STILL ME. I AM STILL ADDISON. That hasn't changed. I am still the the woman that loves you. AND I KNOW you still love me. I turned to Mark. But Mark isn't you Derek. He might laugh at the same jokes, and he might have the same passion for his job, Hell he might even drink the same over priced scotch, he even smells kinda the same. BUT HE IS NOT YOU!"_

Addison threw her hands into the air in exasperation.

"Mark is not you, Derek. Not even close." She walked back to the trailer and opened the door, "And Meredith isn't me."

Derek stood outside a long time.

Finally he returned to the trailer. Addison had made coffee.

"So," she said quietly from the kitchen table, "Should I be packing?"

Derek poured a cup of coffee and sat across from her, "No," he sighed, "We're not done... not yet."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

So I am not sure how I feel about the ending. I mean I am an Addek, I wanted him to fall at her feet and beg her to forgive him for treating her so badly. But alas, I went for the more realistic non commital responce. It could go either way.

REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! (especially if you want me to feel motivated to update the other one.)


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